Obituaries

01-19-1998 - 08/8/2024

Chuck Johnson

It is with great sadness and slightly raised eyebrows that we announce the passing of Chuck "The Chuckster" Johnson, who left this mortal coil on August 14, 2024. Chuck, known for his unparalleled talent in eating an entire pizza in under five minutes and his distinct ability to fall asleep anywhere—yes, even while riding a roller coaster—has finally taken the eternal nap he so often dreamt of.

Chuck was born in 1985 with a rare gift: an insatiable appetite for both food and adventure. He could be found wrestling with lawn mowers, perfecting his dance moves at wedding receptions, or trying to convince strangers that wearing socks with sandals was going to make a comeback.

He is survived by his beloved pet parrot, Squawk, who, after Chuck's passing, has taken up a new hobby of impersonating Chuck’s snoring. Chuck also leaves behind an enormous collection of novelty mugs, most of which he claimed were "one-of-a-kind."

A memorial service will be held on August 13th, where we will gather to reminisce about Chuck’s legendary dance moves and his attempts to fix things with duct tape. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you bring your favorite snack to share in Chuck’s honor, as he always believed that no celebration was complete without food and laughter.

Chuck, you may have left us, but your spirit (and your questionable fashion choices) will live on forever. Rest in peace, you magnificent goofball.

6/25/1946 - 12/31/2023

Lou Sassel

The local community of Los Santos is grieving the loss of a beloved resident who tragically passed away, shitting himself in the parking lot of the well-known chain restaurant, "Cluckin' Bell." The circumstances surrounding his untimely death were initially unclear, as he was discovered wearing brown pants, adding an unexpected element to the investigation. Although the specifics of this unfortunate incident are still being uncovered, the community is choosing to remember and honor his life, focusing on the positive influence he had on those around him.

3/21/1969 - 12/30/2023

Bo Tato

Tragic news struck the community of Los Santos as we mourn the loss of a local man who met a devastating fate at an undisclosed burger joint. In a heart-wrenching incident, the gentleman tragically fell into a colossal fry vat, leaving the entire town in shock and disbelief. The incident serves as a somber reminder of the dangers that can lurk in unexpected places, reminding us to cherish every moment and appreciate the fragility of life. Our thoughts and condolences go out to the family and friends affected by this unimaginable tragedy.

1/1/1987 - 12/29/2023

Anita Bath

The news of the untimely demise of a prominent Los Santos resident has left the community in shock. This remarkable woman, who once held the world record for the longest period without taking a shower, tragically met her end in a heartbreaking accident. It is with heavy hearts that we report she was found lifeless in her bathtub, having drowned. The news has left her fans feeling a profound sense of betrayal, as they had admired her for her extraordinary achievement and now mourn the loss of a unique individual who pushed the boundaries of human endurance.

3/16/2000 - 12/28/2023

Noah Fence

Tragedy struck the vibrant city of Los Santos as the local community mourns the loss of a beloved male comedian. In a shocking turn of events, this talented entertainer met an untimely demise while performing on stage. The atmosphere was filled with laughter and joy, but unfortunately, fate had a different plan. A devastating accident occurred, resulting in an unexpected bombing that took the life of this comedic genius. The entire city is left in disbelief, as they remember the laughter he brought to their lives and the void he leaves behind

2/22/1943 - 12/27/2023

Mary Juana

The local Los Santos community mourns the loss of a prominent female politician who gained recognition for her unwavering support of the war on drugs. Her dedication to combating drug-related issues was widely known, and she tirelessly advocated for stricter measures to tackle this pressing problem. While some may have viewed her as a buzzkill due to her firm stance, her commitment to creating a safer and drug-free environment for the citizens of Los Santos cannot be denied. Her legacy will be remembered as one that aimed to protect and uplift the community, even if it meant making tough decisions that were not always popular.

7/7/1977 - 12/26/2023

Drew Peacock

Tragically, the local community of Los Santos mourns the loss of a beloved fisherman whose life was cut short in a most unusual and unfortunate incident. This courageous individual, while pursuing his passion for fishing, encountered an unexpected and harrowing encounter with a walrus in a state of intense mating frenzy. In a bizarre turn of events, the fisherman was dragged into the vast depths of the ocean, his pants serving as an unfortunate catalyst for this calamity. The entire community now gathers to remember this brave soul, whose love for the sea ultimately led to his untimely demise.

4/24/1966 - 12/25/2023

Barry D. Hatchet

In a tragic turn of events, the local Los Santos community mourns the loss of a prominent male divorce lawyer who fell victim to a horrifying axe murderer. The news sent shockwaves through the city, leaving everyone in disbelief. Amidst the chaos, comic actor Michael Myers, known for his witty remarks, remained uncharacteristically silent. However, when pressed for a comment, he cryptically hinted that the ill-fated lawyer should have never found himself in the treacherous depths of the swamp. The enigmatic statement only added to the mystery surrounding the lawyer's untimely demise, leaving the community grappling for answers and seeking justice for their fallen legal advocate.

Unknown - 12/24/2023

Elak Gman

Elak Gman, a person whose identity remained shrouded in mystery, tragically passed away during the Cookie's X-Mas Eve Event. Despite the unfortunate circumstances surrounding their death, it is disheartening to acknowledge that Elak Gman was a stranger to all, and their demise went unnoticed and uncared for. In a solemn tribute, a few individuals paid their respects by lighting up a blunt, symbolizing a gesture of remembrance for a life that was lived in obscurity.

1/1/1987 - 12/24/2023

Christina Cringle

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of Los Santo's beloved Christina Cringle, owner of the city's Holiday Store. Christina's passion for Christmas was contagious, and she spread joy and cheer to all who crossed her path. Her generosity knew no bounds, and she would often donate to local charities and organize events to bring the community together during the holidays. Christina's warm smile and kind heart will be deeply missed, and the city of Los Santos will not be the same without her. Rest in peace, Christina Cringle, and may your spirit continue to shine bright during the Christmas season and always.

5/16/2001 - 12/23/2023

"Target"

Los Santos has lost one of its most notorious and feared gang leaders with the death of 'Target'. His reign of terror and violence has come to an abrupt end, as he was gunned down in a hail of 60 bullets while visiting the Ammunation Shooting Range. His death has sent shockwaves through the city, but it is safe to say that he will not be mourned. Target was known for his brutal tactics and ruthless nature, and his name struck fear into the hearts of both his enemies and his own gang members. Target's death marks the end of an era, and it is unlikely that anyone will step up to fill his shoes. His legacy will be one of fear and violence, and his absence will not be missed by the citizens of Los Santos.

12/22/1993 - 12/21/2023

Gloria Mistep

Gloria Mistep, a resident of Los Santos, San Andreas, tragically lost her life when she was struck by a vehicle while leaving Pillbox Hospital. The untimely demise of Gloria has left the community in shock and mourning. Notably, Gloria was known for occasionally stumbling into the street, a characteristic that endeared her to those who knew her. Her passing serves as a somber reminder of the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing every moment. The memory of Gloria Mistep will forever be cherished by her loved ones and the community she was a part of.

8/3/2005 - 12/20/2023

Holden Dicks

Holden Dicks, a resident of Los Santos, San Andreas, tragically passed away as a result of consuming Bitch'n Dogfood on a dare. This unfortunate incident serves as a reminder of the potential dangers associated with reckless challenges. Holden's untimely demise has left a void in the hearts of those who knew him, and his memory will forever be cherished by his loved ones. Let us remember Holden for the vibrant spirit he possessed and the joy he brought into the lives of those around him. May he rest in eternal peace.

2/14/1934 - 12/19/2023

Mildred Sikes

In the bustling streets of Los Santos, Mildred Sikes was a beacon of light, illuminating the lives of those around her. Her unwavering kindness and genuine concern for others made her a cherished member of the community. Cracker, her beloved parrot, was a constant source of amusement and companionship, adding an extra touch of whimsy to Mildred's already vibrant presence. Their bond was a testament to the power of love and friendship, leaving an unforgettable legacy in the hearts of all who crossed their path.